In my grand tradition of liking all kinds of news, I do take a look at Daily
Fail Mail every few days, just to see what ridiculous nonsense they are writing about. One of today’s gems was entitled ‘How Classy Are You’ with 50 things that indicate what people in the UK do or don’t do, that makes them classy (or not).
In the absence of much makeup news this week as I am a) back on the gym grind with a vengeance (aka – exhausted) and b) have yet to find makeup that stops sweating off my face in this heinous humid weather. I am just going to talk some rubbish today. Let’s just be thankful it’s not a rant.
So How Classy Am I? Top 50 Signs of Class
1. Says please and thank you
Obviously! I really hate when people don’t do this. In a true passive-aggressive form I will also thank myself if someone waltzes through a door I’m holding open without thanking me.
2. Is well-read
I’d like to think so, favourite books of all time are a bit random: The Secret Garden, Jane Eyre, The Exorcist, anything by Val Mcdermid and If you Have to Cry, Go Outside.
3. Has good table manners
I think so? I don’t chew with my mouth open, speak with my mouth full and I feel physically ill whenever someone licks their knife so another point for me. Which brings me to the question WHY DO PEOPLE LICK THEIR KNIFE? Were you brought up in a barn? VOM!
4. Doesn’t swear
Fuck off mate, I’m from South London!
5. Knows what cutlery to use
Yep. Come to think of it, doesn’t everyone? This question truly confused me. Are people eating snails with a chopstick and using a bread knife for cereal out there? Anyone? If they mean when there’s lots of different knives and forks you just start from the outside and work in. Easy!
6. Is discreet
Depends if I like the person or if I work for them/is business related. All of the above then yes. Plus one point. If you’re horrible to me then, erm, nope.
So if you wondered why everyone now thinks you have herpes, are confused why you’ve been getting funny looks (they think you are in a relationship with your sister) or have people congratulating you on marrying Nigerian Prince Nagatumu that you met via yahoo mail when he offered to send you $4 million….then I know NOTHING…
7. Doesn’t start eating a meal until everyone else at the table has their food
Unless they say go ahead and eat then yes, of course!
8. Holds doors open
Always. And rarely get a thank you. Rude retorts to non-thankers have ranged over the years from ‘oh thank me, oh you’re welcome’ to a drunk Sarah screaming ‘and this is why everyone fucking hates men’ at 1am in Victoria station….. classy unless pushed to anger? The man was a pompous tit with a head like a bowling ball, so he deserved it.
9. Never drinks directly from the bottle
Of course not. Wine obviously needs a long straw in case you spill any. Duh?
10. Doesn’t use text speak
Na m8. Jokes! I’m 31 not 12! I did briefly debate getting Kimoji though. Quickly thought better of it.
11. Avoids emotional Facebook or Twitter rants
I avoid facebook in general so classy point +1. -1 however for the occasional twitter rant at Southeastern, useless men I’ve been on a date with, crap friends, Asos’s terrible customer service and O2’s shockingly useless 4g coverage. Potential future rants will include how much I despise my office’s IT department and my idiot neighbours causing my ceiling leak. So beware.
12. Gives up a seat on public transport for someone else
I rarely even get a seat so not sure, I often end up sitting in the luggage shelf section when commuting. I’d give up my seat but that luggage compartment is mine!
13. Able to speak more than one language
Base Italiana, français minimes. Half a point?
14. Has great posture
I doubt it, being a tall woman in a sea of short men doesn’t really work if you’re striding down the Strand. I tend to wear dark colours and slope along trying to look inconspicuous, like some sort of goth detective.
15. Doesn’t gossip
I like gossiping in theory, not in practice. So I tend to tell juicy gossip from person A, to person B in another town/country/someone who doesn’t care/people who will never meet. That way I kind of get to gossip, but it’s not hurtful to person A. Does that even count as gossip? Also, most of the time most people’s gossip is so dull I have to feign interest anyway.
16. Brings gifts for hosts when attending events
Absolutely always. Am always baffled when nobody else seems to do this. The height of rudeness!
17. Shops in Waitrose
Haha actually yes! Check me out being all bourgeoisie.
18. Doesn’t get drunk
This quiz doesn’t know me at all.
19. Knows correct way to pour a bottle of wine
If the answers aren’t ‘into a glass’ or ‘into my mouth’ then I have no idea what the correct way is. With your hand?
20. Places a napkin on lap when eating
Sure. Not sure what else you’re supposed to do with it. I guess you could make it into a KFC style hat and wear it on your head?
21. Doesn’t discuss money or how much things cost
THIS! I hate when people do this. Point for me, lalala!
22. Knows more than two types of wine
Surprisingly after 4 wine tours where I got absolutely trollied every single time. Yes! I actually fell off a miniature train into a vine on one wine tour, but that’s another story.
Chardonnay (Australian only), Sauvignon, Shiraz (don’t really like), Malbec, Pinot Grigio (Pinot Grigio Blush is my fave, mostly because it sounds like a makeup product) – the five I can think of off the top of my head. I’m going to take two posh points for that one.
23. Knows correct way to hold a wine glass
FML these are worded terribly, how many people answered this question in their head ‘in my hand’? Everyone. Other correct answers are:
- If the wine glass has a stem – hold it by the stem and rest your fingers on the base.
- When you’re pissed – as tightly as possible.
- If you’re in Shoreditch or Camden – like a mason jar, since that’s what your wine glass will have become.
- Generally – tipped suggestively towards the person holding the open bottle of wine.
24. Doesn’t wear football strips as casual wear
Hahaha who does that? And deffo not after last weekend’s performance. Arsenal. I don’t even know anymore. Can you please attempt to get a new manager before Wenger is in a care home? SMH. I’m debating giving up supporting a team and just supporting Andy Carroll in general for being hot.
25. Is a good listener
My good friend Dan once said. If someone isn’t listening to you, it’s because you’re boring. Haha! Seriously though I am a very good listener and have been told so many times. I’ve been called a bad one once, and it was from an incredibly boring person who never shut up about themselves. Plus one point for me, and one for Dan it appears!
26. Doesn’t watch reality TV
Oh come on, even the queen’s watched a cheeky episode of TOWIE! I like a bit of Love and Hip Hop, TOWIE and E! Total Divas. To be fair I don’t own a TV these days so I could hardly be called a hard core reality TV lover. I am also bored as tits with GBBO, Strictly, Masterchef and anything with my TV nemesis Bear Grills or Gryls or whatever his stupid name is. If I ever watch him it’s only to will him to get kicked by a zebra or eaten by a bear.
27. Knows Mozart from Beethoven
I wouldn’t have a clue. I listen to Rap and Grime! Minus 1 posh point, plus 1 twerk point.
28. Owns a timeless pair of shoes
Yes. Nothing more exciting to say about it than that.
29. Is up to date with current affairs
Up to date yes. Do I have any clue how Donald Trump has got as far as he has with his campaign without inadvertently setting fire to his polyester wig – no.
30. Has good culinary knowledge
Yes. I know about food lol! I am also good at making everything but pizza. So I’ll say yes. If I ever offer you pizza run far far away, get on a plane to New Zealand and stay there for safety.
31. Has National Trust membership
I had to google what that was. So that’s a no!
32. Only gives compliments when they actually mean it
Correct. Unless I’m drunk and in a bathroom, then everyone looks fabulous and I’m your new best mate.
33. Attends the Chelsea Flower Show
Well I would if someone invited me!
34. Prefers champagne to prosecco
Who on earth prefers prosecco over champagne? Champagne all day every day. Only if it’s free obviously!
35. Pays the bill
Correct. I see now why I always get lumbered with the bill. Kind of wish I was a chav in that case.
36. Isn’t easily flustered
Not easily. But I just have to hear the voice of one certain problematic human in my life that won’t fuck off, and I move into RAGE! One day they’ll fuck off, ideally into the bermuda triangle. Ugh. It’s a shame pushing people off the roof is illegal isn’t it. The irony that I was just typing this and they appeared. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
37. Doesn’t get into arguments
I don’t really see the point tbh.
38. Never borrows money from friends
Also true. I hate borrowing money from anyone at all.
39. Knows more poetry than ‘I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud’ from William Wordsworth’s ‘Daffodils’
Minus one, I actually hate that cloud poem as well!
40. Never forgets a meeting
True. Then again I’m a PA, so that wouldn’t bode well job wise.
41. Doesn’t fill the wine glass to the top
Velocity based question really depending on the size of the glass. If you want the volume that causes glass A to be completely full my suggestion would be to get a bigger glass. Problem solved, classiness saved.
42. Uses the word ‘supper’
No, who the hell does that?
43. Rarely eats takeaways
44. Listens to Today on Radio 4
Have never even heard of Today on Radio 4. Not actually sure if I knew there was a Radio 4. My radio is permanently on Kiss100 and has been since I was 13.
45. Avoids drinking instant coffee
It all tastes the same to me (ducks for cover).
46. Is a generous tipper
Depends on the service.
47. Knows how to flirt properly
Know? Yes. Depends if they’re fit. Effort levels are only maxed out for a hottie.
48. Never caught running for the bus or train
Never caught running. Unless away from a sharknado, ex, evil clown, murderer, ghost etc. Perhaps on a treadmill if absolutely necessary.
49. Arrives fashionably late to a party (but not too late)
I arrive at an optimum time to get reasonably drunk on the free alcohol leaving enough time to get the last train home. Efficiency at it’s finest.
50. Owns a pedigree dog
I own an obese gay cat with an obsession with humping cushions and getting in designer handbags. Minus a few points, I’d expect.
So there we have it. Classy until you bring wine into the picture.
Then it all goes tits up and I start swearing like a sailor.
How do you fare? Let me know!